Sunday, December 07, 2008

I think my brain is leaking out...

There is so much going on these days. This past week I've had four evening activities. Nathan left on Monday and since he's been gone I haven't had one full night of sleep. The children have been sick with various things this week. Along with them missing their daddy, it's just been a hard week. Coming this week, Monday- cluster meeting, Tuesday-Mops, Wednesday- church, Friday- couples party at church or Thaddeus/JR's musical, Saturday- JM birthday party and church Christmas dinner, Sunday- PukPuk's birthday party and a Pampered Chef show, Monday- MOVERS COME!!!! Someone help...I think my brain is leaking out.
On top of this joyous season's activities that I usually love it just all seems so un-joyous this year. Nathan is gone. I miss him so very much. My house isn't decorated at all. It's usually all done the day after Thanksgiving. With the movers coming next week there didn't seem to be much point in putting up the tree and all the decorations. And over all this there is sadness. I so love the Christmas season. Family plays the biggest part in my celebration of the birth of Jesus. I'm a creature of habit and our family traditions aren't just habit, they are what make the season for me.
Without Nathan, knowing we're moving soon, and missing Daniel so very much the days are very hard. Mama Lily always hangs mistletoe and a bell in her kitchen doorway. Daniel was a very very affectionate person. Anytime he caught me anywhere near the doorway he would give me a huge kiss on the cheek. I'm not an affectionate person but Daniel was quite a bit stronger than me and he always won.
Yesterday was Little Buddy's birthday party. It was the first time I'd been over at their house since Mama Lily put her decorations. None of the other kids are quite as kissy as Daniel was and I missed him very much.
Today would have been his college choir concert. Most of the family/like family all went to West Virginia for it and on the way home from church today I was really missing him. I like to go and visit the cemetery. Someone asked me if it was wrong to talk to Daniel like he's still here. I told them that I talk to him like he's still here. It helps me cope with knowing he isn't here. Today was very cold out and I stood shivering, talking to him and crying. I like to clean off the little things that people leave on his grave. There's a little bear, a nice little planter with some frozen ground cover, a hot sauce packet that says, "will you scratch my back?" from Taco Bell and his special Christmas ornament from home. It seems to help to be able to do something.
I miss you Daniel.


palmtreefanatic said...

I miss him too!
Yes you are busy no doubt about that! May God give you the grace to see you through all this!
nice blog BTW and what is a cluster meeting????

ShaggaBear said...

I miss him too. Seeing his Christmas decorations and pictures really make me weepy. I need to get out to his grave soon.

this really is a busy time of the year to be without your husband. Let me know if you need anything. I'll try to be available. :)

Alicia said...

yeah I miss Daniel too.. I wish he were still here.. So are you going to be with your family in Ohio for Christmas or are you spending Christmas in your new home? just curious...

The Downing 5 said...

WOW! What a crazy couple of weeks!

Mama Lily said...

Thank you for sharing. I really mean that. It's so very hard. No one comes in to kiss me goodnight anymore. Daniel always did. He hugged and kissed his dad, then leaned over him and did the same for me. every night. I go to the cemetery quite often. I just need to.

Now, I'll have to miss you and the little ones too. At least we can still talk and see you once in awhile.

Thank you, it helps to know what you're feeling.